


Litany of the Dead

by thecryoftheseagulls



Series: Caylina Shepard [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Colonist (Mass Effect), F/M, Shepard deals with grief, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), aka colonist + sole survivor background is the mother of all angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-11 04:30:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2053665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecryoftheseagulls/pseuds/thecryoftheseagulls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Mindoir, Shepard does not cry. She does not shatter. She makes the names of those she has lost into a litany, one she recites to keep her sharp, to make her angry. She doesn’t number her exercises; she marks them by a name of the dead and a memory. Every exhale is a name (parents, aunt, uncle, cousins, all gone) a reason to survive, a reason to rage. She keeps the tradition and adds to her litany with each new loss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Litany of the Dead

One night, not long after Kaidan rejoins the Normandy, Shepard wakes from nightmares of forest and death and voices. She hits the gym rather than attempting more sleep, and finds the place empty. She recites the old litany of the dead as she works out, not expecting anyone to hear. It is a private thing, something she has not shared for a long time. 

Kaidan walks in just as she’s finishing the last ten names. Shepard doesn’t notice his entrance and she swaps from sit-ups to push-ups and starts from the beginning. Kaidan doesn’t notice Shepard at first either; he’s heading for the pile of weights when he hears her voice, quiet, barely strained, but clearly audible. 

“Olivia Shepard. Jackson Shepard. Jeb Shepard. Isabel Shepard.”

The names and their abundance surprise him – Shepard doesn’t talk about her family, not ever. 

“Jude Shepard. Lucas Shepard. Rebecca Shepard. Peter Shepard. Sarah Shepard.” Kaidan is just about to interrupt when Shepard gives a grunt and the tempo of the names changes, becoming a list of military officers that seems vaguely familiar. 

“Corporal Toombs,” Shepard starts. 

He comes around to see her doing push-ups in the center of the track, exhaling a name with each one. Kaidan feels…like he is interrupting something precious, but he can’t look away from the expression of concentration on her face, a cross between focused rage and veneration. 

A few dozen names later (Kaidan loses count), Shepard’s pace slows and the names become quieter, like a prayer. 

“Richard Jenkins. Urdnot Wrex. Ashley Williams.” 

“Abishek Pakti. Addison Chase. Alexei Dubyansky. Amina Waaberi. Carlton Tucks. Caroline Grenado. Charles Pressly. Germeen Barrett. Harvey Gladstone. Hector Emerson. Helen Lowe. Jamin Bakari. Mandira Rahman. Marcus Grieco. Monica Negulesco. Orden Laflamme. Raymond Tanaka. Robert Felawa. Rosamund Draven. Talitha Draven. Silas Crosby."

“Thane Krios. Mordin Solus.”

Shepard’s voice catches at the end, on Mordin’s name. Kaidan inhales sharply, loud enough in the ensuing silence for Shepard to hear. She starts, whips her head up to pin her sharp blue-eyed stare on him where he stands, arms crossed, against the wall. They are both silent, and then Shepard stand, slowly.

“Kaidan.”

“Shepard.”

“I didn’t know anyone was in here. Can’t sleep?”

Kaidan shakes his head. 

“Me neither,” Shepard admits, though this is obvious. She crosses her right arm in front of her body and stretches it, crosses the left arm and stretches it, and then just…stands there. Uncharacteristically naked, Kaidan’s mind supplies, and he’s not sure whether the thought means naked physically, in her thin work-out sweats and tanktop, or emotionally. Both. Shepard looks vulnerable – she has dark circles under her eyes and she stands with her shoulders curved inward, as though bent by some invisible weight. He knows this war has taken its toll on everyone, but somehow Shepard seemed exempt. She’s always borne everything without complaint, this woman who came back from the dead. Should’ve known better. Kaidan clears his throat.

“I’m sorry, Shepard. I should have said something when I came in. I just… didn’t want to interrupt…whatever that was.” He cringes internally at the wording.

Shepard straightens, put her shoulders back, and just like that, she’s Commander Shepard again, all business and capability. “Not a problem, Major. It’s public space, after all. No matter the hour.” She quirks a half-smile at her last statement, and it’s enough to make Kaidan relax.

“Heh. Guess so.”

“I should go.” Shepard says, tugging her shirt down over her hipbones. She starts for the door.

“Shepard…” Kaidan moves quickly, unthinkingly, and stops her with his hand on her arm. She quirks an eyebrow at him, but doesn’t say anything. “What was that? Those names?”

Shepard gives him the patronizingly patient look she usually reserves for people who are doing something stupid, the one Garrus refers to as her “Hey Dumbass” look. It disappears when she sighs.

“My dead,” she says, and something twists painfully in Kaidan at the possessive, the way she claims the names as if they were hers and hers alone to carry. “The ones I couldn’t save.”

He closes his eyes, her name little more than a whisper on his lips. “Shepard…”

Her expression hesitates on the edge of grief, but she lifts her chin in resolve and gives Kaidan instead a pitying glance. Shepard ghosts her thumb over his cheek, so quickly he wonders later if he imagined it, and then takes his hand from her arm.

“I really should go,” she says, and is gone.


End file.
